I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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Cannot stop laughing at this
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Vodka burrito was a success
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE