I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

You Might Also Like


The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.


“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself


Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.



ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not


My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!


When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.


I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.


Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.