@Molly_Kats

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

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@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

@Amester222

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

@LlamaInaTux

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

@ericamorecambe

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

@WhatevaConc

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

@bornmiserable

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.