I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.