“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.