I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
found this cool rock hiking today
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.