I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
a lot to unpack here