“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
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[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.