I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
My what?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
i prefer mine room temperature.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.