I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.