*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
sorry password must contain a special character
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”