@Lerky
@TheCatWhisprer *opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
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@TheCatWhisprer 
@StarbuckMcLover I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
@wendchymes We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
@AnkCoupleTO Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
@FatherWithTwins Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
@whimsik_l My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
@MicheleAKALips My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
@Rollmaninoz Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
@Cpin42 Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
@ChaseMit “Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”