I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
*skinny dips into black hole
#have a #great #PancakeDay
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.