“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.