@pharmasean

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

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@illuminatedwndr

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

@StupiDucker

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

@Writepop

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

@suedechukka

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

@CorkyCrashed

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.