I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
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Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.