I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You Might Also Like
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”