“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.