I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
<- sleeps well with others
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.