I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga