I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait