@AngieDavisHaha

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

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@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@samalmightysam

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

@kidnappedagain

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@SunnyGirl1717

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

@UNDEADTRESOR

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

@UncleDuke1969

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.