I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.


I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.


Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom


When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.


He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.


When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.


He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.