I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no