@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

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@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

@Shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@writerPT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

@AnitaHelmet

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

@Pink

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@UncleDuke1969

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves