I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.


*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!


“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”


Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.


Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot


Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.


I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.