“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Real House Wines.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.