I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I put the mess in domestic.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?