I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent

You Might Also Like


I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.


Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*


djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background


Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much


JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?