I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”