@snmrrw
@NotTodayEric Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
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@NotTodayEric 
@TheAdly You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
@XplodingUnicorn In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
@curlycomedy Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
@JoParkerBear The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
@WilliamAder To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
@Miss_Ghandi My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
@TheBoydP What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
@longwall26 The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*