@snmrrw

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

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@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

@XplodingUnicorn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

@JoParkerBear

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

@WilliamAder

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

@Miss_Ghandi

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

@TheBoydP

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

@longwall26

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*