i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.


[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.


In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family


Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.


The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.


What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*