i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too