I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Sex so good you see dead people.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?