@torrami Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@Mike__Lee I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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@torrami 
@causticbob A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
@PhilJamesson Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
@AaronFullerton If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
@JediGigi Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
@Blue_Crab My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
@SardonicTart *Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
@ch000ch sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
@LaLuchaNix Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
@ZombieProblms Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.