I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Jogging
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.