@greenmartinis

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

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@Cornjerker78

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

@ieatanddrink

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

@TheBoydP

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

@imence2

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

@LaLuchaNix

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@MyFairCharity

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma