I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Welcome
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.