I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

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Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.


Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”


Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.


My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.


Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”


This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.


Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.


Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.


So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma