“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday