@schumoo

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

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@fro_vo

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

@notmythirdrodeo

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

@TattleTSister

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

@sistersurf

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me