I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer