I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
You Might Also Like
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.