I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
You Might Also Like
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.