I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*


American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.


I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.


I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes


Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question


Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist


Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?


had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before


“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?