I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
This classic never gets old . . .
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs