Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

*seductively corrects your posture*

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop