Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE