I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I’m doing the lords work (judging)