Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range