I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser