I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.