@SexytotheNorth

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

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@whatsJo

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

@subtweetopath

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@extranapkins

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

@emily_tweets

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.