@SexytotheNorth
@English_Channel that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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@English_Channel 
@whatsJo *yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
@subtweetopath When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
@MarfSalvador [Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
@JermHimselfish A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
@noog *has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
@extranapkins The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
@lmwortho I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
@emily_tweets I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
@BubblesnBooze Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.