I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.