I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur