I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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Always 🥴
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
my nickname in college
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???