I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
one of
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.