I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.