@juneohara65
@DrDogMD Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
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@DrDogMD 
@DairylandDon I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
@WilliamAder Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
@DairylandDon No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
@garrydavenport “We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
@daemonic3 [spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
@OhNoSheTwitnt 🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
@WheelTod This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
@_SingleBabyMama I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
@NoFucksWereGave My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.