@juneohara65

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

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@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

@DairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

@WilliamAder

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

@DairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

@garrydavenport

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

@WheelTod

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.