I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.