I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics