Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

🔦🌙👣

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Sorry I made promises on Friday

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again