Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin