I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
i spent way too long on this
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.