I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
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If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.