i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired