im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Anime is real
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.