I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
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[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
cat vs inanimate object
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?