DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.