@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

You Might Also Like

@pharmasean

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@Cpin42

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

@jakob_huber

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

@tobyhonk

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

@joeldanger

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

@MelvinofYork

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.